I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
