Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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