I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
