I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
