before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
