can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
