Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
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