She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
