he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
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