i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
