WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
