I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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