please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
