My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
