so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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