Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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