My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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