I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
