about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
