i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
