Who did Billy Mays play for?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
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