Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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