cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Randomize
