You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
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