Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
