so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
