How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
