Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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