my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
