i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
