If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
