my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
