Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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