just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
farters have to be the big spoon...
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Randomize
