haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
