My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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