Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You're like the curious george of whores
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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