he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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