i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
