my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
