His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
