can u get pink eye on your cock?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
