I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
