TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
