By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
40s are totally the cure
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
