Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
