Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
