the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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