this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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