There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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