when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
