well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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