I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
