He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
